Stop being there for me.
I think we could all use a tiny kitten on our screens from time to time.
ugh i love how his tail is just a triangle
IT’S TAIL IS A TRIANGLE FUUUUUCK
You think after telling myself to give up and move on, I would. A few months ago I never would have seen myself fallen so hard for someone impossible. Everyday I would tell myself, “Just delete him out of your life” or “Stay away from him.” And I never did.
How many times have I heard from others we should date? How many times have I just been crushed every time I had to say why we couldn’t? I moved on from one, only to be hurt even more by another. Nobody understands. I don’t think anyone can relate. From the first week I’ve known, and that didn’t stop my feelings.
I’m ready to restart. It’s been too hard. I’m willing to give up a promotion I’ve devoted so much time and effort to, and maybe try again somewhere else. Never in a million years would I ever think I’d fall so hard like this. I never thought I’d care so much about a person I knew I couldn’t have. He’s not my best friend’s boyfriend, he’s not related to me, and he’s not anything bad.
I was the idiot who couldn’t stop falling for someone who liked the other gender. I was idiot to fall for a guy who liked guys. I’m the idiot for having feelings for this long. I’m the idiot for not being able to actually give up and move on.
Baby steps, I guess.
Eventually this will just be part of the past.
A part of me wishes I was dead so I don’t have to deal with the constant pain of losing best friends. I’m so sick of being the only one trying. I’m so sick of never having nobody when I need someone.
I need help, but I don’t have the strength to get it on my own. The only person I feel can help me seems to not care anymore.
I don’t know what I did wrong. I just want all the fucking tears, sadness, and loneliness to stop.
I feel like I just took a huge step when it comes to my depression. I finally decided to do something about my biggest regret, and I feel like I’m strong enough to accept the outcome. I’m scared to see what’s going to happen, but I finally feel ready for it. Maybe it’s because high school is over, or maybe it’s because I’ve changed. I know I still have a problem, and I know I’m eventually going to need someone more than myself to deal with it. I’m still scared of making that phone call to start getting real help, so I still have a long way to go.
But I think this is a fairly big accomplishment, and I’m really proud of myself for getting to where I am now. I am alive, and I have completed high school.
There have been so many times I thought I’d never get to see this day.
The only thing I want is to have a family dinner. I want it just to be my dad, mom, sister, and I. What I’m asking for isn’t impossible, and its doable. I had to spend Thanksgiving alone, and spend Christmas and New Years without my dad for three years. But it’s like it’s impossible. It’s like my parents can’t be civil around each other even if its for me. I’m not asking for too much, and they spend more time together at the doctors office together than how long a dinner would be.
Honestly, if I can’t get that I just want nobody to come. My dad won’t have to deal with my mom, my sister won’t have to take time away from her new rich lifestyle, and my mom can stop fucking screaming at me.
I’ll just be that one kid with no family waiting for them when the ceremony finishes.
When I need someone, there’s nobody. In a contact list of almost 100, there’s nobody. There’s nobody who will listen to what I’m going through. There’s nobody to help me when I need it.
There’s a part of me terrified I’ll become who I was almost five years ago. I’m terrified I’ll get to that point where I can’t control myself anymore, or to that point I wish I wasn’t alive. There’s a part of me terrified that I’ve already started. I’m starting to not be able to control myself. I’m starting to have times where I believe I have no place in this world. There’s this huge part of me that just can’t handle this anymore.
I spent so long trying to get to where I was. I thought I was finally beating it - depression. Maybe because that one place I could get away from everything doesn’t take me away from everything anymore. Maybe because I have no support anymore. I’m back to square one, and I don’t know if I have the strength to try and start all over again.
I need someone. Just one. But I think nobody cares anymore, and I don’t want to force someone to care. So, I guess I have no choice to start back at square one. Eventually, but for now I just can’t.